The Scarecrow and Mrs. King, I see by the papers, will start behaving "like real human beings" in the coming TV season. By George, it's about time!

For the past four years, I have been shouting every Monday night at the Scarecrow. His real name, of course, is Lee Stetson, and he's an agent of the CIA. [sic] "Scarecrow" is only his code name.

His partner, a volunteer at the agency, is the divorced Amanda King. She is beautiful, and not just beautiful. She is intelligent, brave, spunky, a loving mother to her all-American boys. She is every man's dream boat.

"Kiss her!!" I have been yelling at the screen: The Scarecrow would rather kiss his sports car. "You nerd!" I have been crying. "Whassa matter with you, Stetson? Lost your nerve?"

One Monday night — I forget the story line — he climbed up a trellis at her home and through a window into her bedroom. Oh, boy, I said to the TV screen, now you're showing some gumption.

No way. He sat on the edge of her bed and they discussed how they would nab some international villain. Then he climbed back out of the window and down the trellis and into the sports car, and I threw some leftover spaghetti at the screen. "Dope!" I hollered. "Unspeakable wimp!"

This has kept my adrenals pumping since 1982. Once I was in Los Angeles and missed the show. My wife telephoned me the next morning. "Did you see them hold hands?" she asked. She was breathless.

I hadn't seen them hold hands but, well, it seemed like a likely start. Nothing happened the rest of the season. Amanda gave him a few longing looks, but the idiot just holstered his pistol and looked the other way.

Now, it says here, "after years of working undercover, Scarecrow and Mrs. King are going to try working under the covers this season. Literally." They are "going to do what comes naturally." Scarecrow viewers, it says here, "will be pleased to see the consummation of desire."

Now that kind of dirty talk leaves me uneasy. I expect them to do a little necking. I'm no prude. I mean, after all, I'm a pretty sophisticated fellow, but I don't want the producer implying that they're — ah — going all the way. You know.

Those of us who love Amanda want to see a ring. We want to hear wedding bells. We want a sign on the rear of that sports car that says "Just Married!" Then they can go off on a honeymoon and shoot a couple of gangsters, and it will be perfect, just perfect, and pass the popcorn, sweetie, he's not a nerd anymore.

Most men are nerds. You take Judge Parker in the comic strips. Actually, you rarely see Judge Parker anymore. You see the handsome young lawyer Sam Driver. He's maybe 45. Good looking guy.

A beautiful redhead named Abbey Lane is crazy about him. She's beautiful, brave, spunky, intelligent and rich. Lives on a great estate. Servants, horses, all that good stuff. She's forever feeding him. Will he propose? No. Will he even put an arm around her? Not him.

I will give you another dope. Dr. Rex Morgan. His nurse is named June. You can tell by the way she looks at him that she would love to be Mrs. Morgan. And she's beautiful, brave, spunky, intelligent. All he ever says is "cancel my next appointment."

It has been ever thus. Remember Dick Tracy? He went with Tess Trueheart for years and years before he popped the question. There used to be a magician named Mandrake. Top hat. Flowing cape. Handsome dog.

For 25 years he dated Princess Narda. Gorgeous brunette — beautiful, brave, spunky, intelligent. They traveled around a lot together, but they always stayed in separate places. I stopped reading Mandrake. But I hear he's still around.

So it goes. In the Adventures of Mark Trail, this great outdoorsman and adventurer has a girl, name of Cherry. She adores him. He loves the dog. Big dog. There used to be a character named Smilin' Jack. He flew airplanes. He had a girl, too, but I forget whatever became of them. Not much.

There are exceptions. The Phantom and Diana finally got hitched and went to live in their treehouse, but goodness knows it took them long enough. Joe Palooka got married. The Bumsteads are a happy family. Jiggs and Maggie fought a lot, but they stayed married for 150 years. In Doonesbury two of the characters are legally co-nurturing a child. I'm for that.

But the big news is that Lee and Amanda will really be going steady. They're on their way to the altar. Stay tuned. This season it will be Friday night at 8 o'clock, and I'll be in the kitchen whooping it up for the happy pair. He's no bargain, but she's beautiful, brave, spunky, intelligent. . . .

Thanks, Claudia!